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Practical, easy-to-follow guide, inviting parents and teachers to be active participants in understanding boys, communicating with them, and channeling their exuberance!
Excerpt
Boys Alive! Bring Out Their Best!
By Janet Allison
Bring Out His Best at Home!
Less is More
Less words. Less questions. Less requests.
- The more you ask, the less he’ll say. Use fewer words and give him time to respond (up to 60 seconds!) Give him time between your requests. Use gestures rather than words. Post written rules.
- Silence is golden. Be comfortable with it. Not everything needs to be analyzed and discussed (save that for your girlfriends, Mom!). A man once told me he feels closer to guys he plays sports with and doesn’t really talk to. Share a common activity together, enjoy the quiet companionship. Find something to do side-by-side and you may find that conversation will more easily flow but don’t push it.
- Write it down. A friendly reminder on his mirror, a note in his lunch box. Be specific in your praise, describing exactly what you noticed, and how it made you feel. “I saw you help your brother with his backpack this morning. That freed me up to get the car ready to go. Thanks for doing that without being asked!”
- “Hmmm”. - Sometimes a curious and interested, Hmm, from you is enough. He may just need to say something and really doesn’t need (or want) a response from you, he just wants to know you’ve listened.
Adapt your Home
When the environment suits your boy, you may find he is more relaxed and you are too! Viewing your home through your boy’s eyes may reveal areas that could benefit from a change.
Outside Time
Lots of outside time is crucial for boys to process their feelings and release excess energy. Make sure they have a safe place to play and let them go!
I recently visited a friend’s beach house and the entire back yard had been turned into a giant fantasy land complete with moats, islands and bridges. Let creative play rule the day!
Inside Time
Your boy will be most comfortable with an uncluttered place to play, allowing him to use his creative ingenuity and release his excess energy.
- Stow your antiques. When he is grown you can bring them out again.
- Install a hanging bar across a doorway. Tie a long, strong cloth around it. This hammock can be a climbing structure as well as a cozy place to sit. It satisfies both large muscle movement and the need for touch.
- Mini-trampolines allow an acceptable energy release. You may find that he likes to bounce and talk to you at the same time!
- Squeeze balls release energy while helping him keep his body still. He will be able to listen even better because his hands are busy.
- Uncluttered play space with lots of room to spread out his open-ended toys will encourage his imaginative play.
- Adjust your expectations of his behavior. Remember that “every behavior is useful in some context” and look for the benefits of his exuberance.
- Limit media. Boys are easily susceptible to overstimulation.
Enlist Him
Invite him to be a full participant in family life and decision making.
Problem solving – When there is a problem, state it clearly and neutrally. Ask him to help you find a solution. Boys are creative and innovative and he may have a solution you wouldn’t have thought of! Acknowledge his feelings while limiting his behaviors.
Boys need rules – Boys crave structure and security. When he has a structure he can count on, he can relax. Boys want to know-
o Who is in charge?
o What are the rules?
o Will the rules be fairly and consistently enforced?
Meaningful work – Boys thrive on meaningful work. Just as he seeks relevance in his learning, he wants to know that his work is useful. For instance, as young as 3, give him the job of putting silverware on the table. You may have to remind him but do not do it for him! When he forgets and the family sits down to dinner without silverware, he will see how important his work is to the family.
Responsibility – The less you do for him, the more responsible he will become. Do not carry his stuff! Help him pack his own lunch. Show him how to do the laundry. You are teaching him habits and your parenting job is about to get a lot easier. Plus, he’ll be the envy of his college roommates. And think how happy his future partner will be!
Siblings – The tone that siblings establish with each other (controlling or considerate) stays about the same throughout their lives. Situational studies find that siblings between the ages of 3 and 7 clash about three times per hour. Only 1 of every 8 of those conflicts ends in a compromise or reconciliation. Otherwise, one sibling withdraws while the other “wins”. Many siblings simply lack the skills of how to initiate play on terms that they can both enjoy and how to graciously decline if they don’t want to play. Parents can teach these social skills, allowing siblings to enjoy each other.
Read more about Boys Alive! Bring Out Their Best! and Janet Allison HERE.
Copyright 2010 Janet Allison. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.
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