Vilified! is often serious, yet habitually satirical and even self-deprecating. Although it lampoons far-left points of view, causes, and attitudes – it in no way excuses conservatives for the mess we’re in and the State of our DisUnion. Think of Vilified! as a “Fleeced” for the bathroom – a unique book with a lot of quirky perspectives.
Excerpt
World War Tree
Chapter 10
Just for the record, I’d like to point out that that Mother Nature is constantly trying to kill us with little tantrums like hurricanes, tornadoes, monsoons, blizzards, floods, lava flows, earthquakes, tsunamis, and other natural occurrences. If you survive each round of “pin the weather disaster on the human” you get to bask under blue skies and hike on moss-covered trails until the next time she has her geological period.
We like to fool ourselves into thinking she likes us by driving our hybrid to the local park, siccing the kids on the swings, and taking a brisk walk on a man-made nature trail which contains no poison ivy, no
elevation changes to wind us, no sharp rocks to fall onto, and no hidden branches to poke our eyes out.
Don’t get me wrong: there is natural beauty all around us but Mother Nature is a femme fatal. She is a deadly, beautiful woman who constantly utters under her breath PMS: People Might Survive. You can get all touchy-feeling about it if you want but remember: Ma Nature is a drama queen and does not like to be upstaged. We are surviving by the skin of our teeth in an environment which offers us just enough respite to allow us to live and thrive until it turns the tables and kicks our fragile asses.
Life on Earth is the biggest cosmic bait and switch ever. Sure, it looks good at first (a lot better than say the surface of the moon) until an asteroid comes along out of nowhere and creates AN ICE AGE. One day you’re a carefree dinosaur, munching on mammals. The next day you’re part of an oil field and what used to be your head is being sucked up a pipe so Exxon can refine you.
Which makes me wonder: why does Mother Nature create oil? Where did the environment get this crazy idea to turn the remains of marine life and plants into gobs of grease? Why would a perfect ecological system sabotage itself by creating a substance which creates greenhouse gases when refined and burned in internal combustion engines?
Is oil really the environment’s version of urine and God just never thought we stupid humans would find it? I’m sure on the 5th or 6th day, God was sitting there thinking to himself, “Okay” so I’ll take all the dead, leftover crap and let it settle deep underground and subject it to geothermal forces. Who will think to look there?”
In other words: is oil God’s way of sweeping some dirt under the carpet that no one was ever supposed to find? And, if not then why do we continue to flog ourselves because we found it and use it? But, I digress. The environment has always been a double-edged sword. It provides for us resources which make our life easier and better.
But, there is no free lunch. Did you know some scientists believe thattrees can communicate with each other through the air using pheromones to warn of dangerous insect attacks? Now, I don’t know how well developed these skills may be but I think we should recognize the potential danger posed by pissed off poplars, plums, and pines. Perfect example: I read a story today about a priest who was trying
to clear a fallen tree off the roadway. While he was doing that a second tree fell down and killed him. I think this is reason enough to process as much paper as we want from our little wooden friends. I’ve never heard of anyone being killed by a ream of copy paper. Turn them into paper and you take away their will.
Plus, trees have a long memory of disdain for us even after we neutralize them. In January, 2009 it was reported that heavy wooden panels, 10 by 10 feet, fell off the walls at a ritzy Boston restaurant and
injured 11 patrons. Even when it’s dead it still keeps coming! Noting all this evidence against trees and their bad attitude, environMental cases still try to guilt us into treating trees differently than other natural resources which God has freely given to humans to enjoy.
Right after the holidays this year I read a story out of Fort Lauderdale urging residents to recycle their Christmas trees at local parks so they wouldn’t end up in landfills. The parks make mulch out of them.
Well, I like mulch as much as the next guy (and honestly, with the way trees behave, I just assume they be chopped down to size for our own safety) but, there’s a hidden message here. What the far-left is saying is: chopping down a Christmas tree “just to look at” for your own enjoyment isn’t enough of an excuse. Don’t just toss it out when you’re done drooling over its pine scent and hanging Star Trek ornaments on it. That’s wasteful and selfish.
Now that you’ve had your “fun” do something meaningful so your tree’s death will not have been in vain. Let the city put it through a wood chipper so they can scatter its remains among other living plants and its last deed will be to encourage the growth of some poison sumac which you will hopefully step in sometime this spring when you visit the park for Earth Day.
Ironically, tossing a Christmas tree into a landfill is probably one of the best things one could do for the landfill. The tree will completely decompose over a relatively short period of time compared to the other
crap in there. But, landfills aren’t good enough burial spots for trees that we cut down just because we like looking at them. Humans. We’re such selfish bastards.
You know it’s only a matter of time before some special interest group comes out and announces that if you really cared about the environment, you’d not turn on your Christmas lights this year. Just think of the wasted electricity.
And, not only do you want to kill a live tree for your morbid celebration but you want to string energy-sucking icicle lights around your house and turn them on for hours simply – because it’s festive!? I repeat: you selfish bastard. We’re docking you 50 carbon credits because you’re such a narcissistic Christian. And you Jews: we’ve got your eyes on you, too. Better make damn sure those Menorah’s hold candles and not real light bulbs – or else.
It’s just a matter of time. That’s why I’m going to call their bluff and eclipse this inevitable action. Announcing: N.O.E.L which stands for: “No Overly Excessive Lights” I’m the founder and President and as such, I’m requesting all holiday lights not be turned on this year. Sure, it’s fine to put them up as long as you keep your scummy little energy-sucking fingers off the ON switches.
Trust me: the holidays will be more fun if you are not destroying the earth’s resources. Sorry kids! I know it’s not as merry but you can just imagine how much all these earth-slaying Christmas light bulbs add to global warming.
Besides: do you really want the polar ice caps to melt and all the polar bears to die just because you wanted to see some bubble lights on your Christmas tree? If you destroy the North Pole, then where will Coca-Cola find animals to depict drinking their product in future holiday ads? (By the way, please see Appendix IV on the relationship between Coke and the far-left.)
As for me, I’ve decided Christmas trees are just so “yesterday pagan” if you know what I mean. I’m a man of the future. That’s why this year my family and I are going to decorate my La-Z-Boy chair with Compact Fluorescent Bulbs.
And just to be on the safe side instead of a tree angel, we’re going to put a Life Alert on top in case there’s an accident and we’re all overcome by mercury vapor Christmas morning.
Copyright 2008 Corey Deitz. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.
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