Free Book Excerpts

The journey of a man who lived 44 years with undiagnosed ADHD.

Excerpt

“You’re not any good in bed!”

-Anonymous

INTIMACY

Amen-Easily distracted during sex, causing frequent breaks or turn-offs during lovemaking (4)

Amen-Trouble with intimacy (4)

Jasper/Goldberg-My thoughts bounce around as if my mind is a pinball machine (Very much)

Rejection comes in all shape and sizes for someone with ADHD. I have taken rejection from friends and family members as often as ultimate fighters receive kicks to the nut sack. Rejection is a common reaction to ADHD. People get sick of being around me.
Clubs and organizations have rejected my membership applications. We all have experienced membership application denials. Credit rejection notices have become wallpaper for my living room. Prospective restaurant industry employers have rejected me so often that they have compiled a form letter just to deny my job application. Women have rejected me for numerous date requests and I understand that comes with the fickle dating game.
A woman’s rejection because of lackluster lovemaking skills was not only a slap in the face, it was the most significant reason I have built a wall of isolation. After years of intense anger, I now understand why the anonymous woman made the disparaging remark.
Nevertheless, when I heard the stinging words during a stage of my life when undiagnosed ADHD was like a cancer to me, I completely lost faith in my ability to perform one of the more basic acts known to humanity. When she dropped the lovemaking bombshell on me in 1985, I immediately transformed a relatively stable life into an uncontrolled lifestyle of untenable choices and bad decisions.
ADHD had a more negative impact on intimacy than any other area of my life. I was not cognizant of ADHD’s impact on sexual intimacy until I started seeing questions on ADHD surveys that pertained to intimacy. Even when I found out about the ADHD connection to intimacy, my focus was on the condition’s money management and relationship impact.
I have always been a passionate person, with what I consider a normal amount of sexual encounters. I effortlessly ran the sexual bases until the turn for home plate. Women have said that I am a great kisser, that my kissing is a real turn on to them. I have always hit a clean single. Second base was there for the taking, especially if I excited a woman by the way I hit the single. Third base involved a little trial and error, but I usually rounded third with momentum towards home plate. Somewhere between third base and home, my ADHD mind took over and I stumbled towards the plate with a perpetually powerful detachment with intimacy. I swung for the fences, but I could not make contact.
I did not attain a sexual relationship that included intercourse until I was out of college. That is right. I popped my cherry after I received my college diploma, making me eligible to be the lead character in the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin. At the time, I was relieved when I first did it. I found out later I was not any good at it.
It was not from a lack of education that I waited so long to engage in sexual intercourse. While it is true that the oldest child is Ponce de Leon searching for the fountain of sexual truths, I was around enough people to assimilate bits and pieces of sex education. My parents were reticent about sex. I asked dad about the birds and bees one time and his response was ambiguous at best. The school system might as well have chucked its sex education curriculum, because I never got beyond giggling at all of the female anatomy parts shown in sex education books and films.
When the action got hot and heavy, the racing thoughts that ran through my mind made me incapable of focusing on the one thing that I was trying to do at the time. The thoughts bounced around in my head as if they were an assortment of numbered ping-pong balls moving about inside of a lottery basket. The more intense the physical encounter got, the more my mind exploded with frenetic brain activity.
In the middle of most of my sexually intimate encounters, I simply lost the passion of the moment. The sound of water dripping out of a leaky faucet distracted me. Wondering if I had paid my bills on time drowned my focus. My attention span was more limited than it was in any other facet of my life.  My partners became extremely frustrated when I suddenly pulled away as if Mr. Freeze came into the room and fired his ice gun into my veins. After a few distraction incidents, women began calling me a cold fish in the sack.
If it was not distraction inhibiting my ability to perform, the classic ADHD symptom of rushing through things reared its ugly head on numerous occasions. I treated love making at times like it mattered how fast I finished the act, not how much I enjoyed the process that culminated in mutual satisfaction. I wanted to finish as quickly as possible and start on something else. I was concerned only about gratifying myself and selfishly ignored the wants and needs of my partner.
Ironically, the same woman who uttered the words, “You’re not any good in bed,” was also the one woman whose compassion nurtured me through the lovemaking ritual. That is why it hurt so much to hear the debilitating words come from her. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and disconnected from intimate contact for years after I heard her comment. For a short time after her ruthless comment, I went on a sex binge to fulfill my selfish desires.
After my sexual conquest phase, subsequent physical encounters abruptly ended when my lack of self-confidence impeded moments of intimacy. I was more concerned about my ability to maintain an erection and ejaculate than I was about being intimate. The racing thoughts that distracted me during lovemaking had changed. The thoughts changed to “I’m going to fail,” “I won’t be able to satisfy her,” and “I’m going to lose my erection at any moment.”
I went to see a sex therapist in 1993 and nothing came out of that meeting that confirmed ADHD was the primary reason for my inability to be sexually intimate. When I extensively researched ADHD, I found the link to sexual intimacy and that eased my mind. The revelation, however, did not ease years of frustration, puzzlement, and dejection.
The inability to enjoy the most joyful and free act in life scarred me more than all of the other symptoms of ADHD combined. I hid from intimacy when it came knocking in the form of a new female admirer. I indulged in self-pity and walked around at times with my head lowered so I did not make eye contact with an attractive female. I have contemplated suicide. My choices in life seemed reduced when I could not perform the most basic animal function.
It is sad. It is depressing. It tears me apart to think that misfiring neurons ravaged my ability to have sex. You can take all of the other normal behavior like successfully managing money, having a vibrant career, or flourishing in school, and stuff it in a trash receptacle for your class reunions.
The only abnormal aspect of undiagnosed ADHD was the inability to consummate sexual intercourse.

Read more about Dear Mary: My Life with ADHD and Don K Potochny HERE.

Copyright 2008 Don K Potochny. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.