Free Book Excerpts

Beyond my Contol is the true, often harrowing account of my battle with epilepsy, as I desperately attempt to break the bonds of this debilitating condition.

Excerpt

Introduction: Beyond my Control is the true story of my life, beginning with my battle trying to beat the slimming disease — anorexia nervosa. While trying to break the vicious cycle I was in, another condition
suddenly entered my life — epilepsy. I was seventeen at the time.

I describe my twenty-year journey of living with epilepsy and how the unpredictable disease has not only impacted my life but the lives of everyone around me.

For fifteen of those years, I operated my stained glass business and managed staff while battling an ever-increasing number of seizures. As the condition deteriorated and my postseizure responses became more intense, I was often prone to violent outbursts that threatened not only my safety, but the safety of everyone close to me.

I share how the perception of the disease and the socially unacceptable behaviours that occured as a result of my postseizure responses, eventually forced me to risk everything — I made the life-altering decision to undergo two major brain operations that I hoped would provide freedom from a life of instability, danger, and stares from strangers.

Beyond my Control is an honest, emotional look into a highly complex and all too often misunderstood condition.

If you are like me and enjoy reading true stories written from the heart, my highly personal book is sure to be both entertaining and at times — enlightening.

Thank you for taking an interest in Beyond my Control.

My Excerpt is from Chapter 11 – RECOVERY

I was soon headache free and promptly began to document my postoperative journey — which turned out to be the most fascinating, ultimately bizarre, rare insights into the healing process of the human brain. My first bout of insomnia entered our lives — I was wide awake twenty four hours a day. For thirteen long days and nights I had a boundless, unnatural amount of energy which was very difficult to contain. I used a medley of methods to help unleash my overwhelming energy. The nights seemed endless. Once my family retired for the evening I embarked upon an obsessive, fastidious cleaning regime. I was obsessed with cleanliness, powerless against my desperate need to clean. My compulsive cleaning extended into the day — much to the annoyance of my family. I was forever cleaning and dusting, making sure the house was spotless. During this time our house could have graced the cover of any home beautiful magazine. The next phase that entered was an overwhelming need to re-invent myself regularly. I began a self-evaluation, and it’s my understanding that I must have been suffering some type of identity crisis. At this stage I was very uncertain if seizures were going to return into our lives again. As a defence mechanism I began to use a variety of accents to hide behind. To help represent a realistic portrayal, with clothes bought from charity shops, I would dress in the appropriate attire. I often went out and hid behind the persona of an upper class English gentleman. Since arriving at home from hospital my own accent had increased greatly — subsequently I was most convincing. Being a fan of Scottish comedian Billy Connolly, I would often dress in zany clothing and simply mimic his accent. The last character was an English cockney villain dressed in a ridiculously oversized black suit. I don’t believe I was credible as a villain of sorts, not in the slightest! Fortunately, the strong urge to act out different characters lasted less than a month. The next phase was becoming fixated on John Lennon’s deep and meaningful music. During the next three months, I developed an obsession with John Lennon’s Imagine album — five songs in particular. Help, Stand by me, Woman, Imagine, and Give peace a chance. Enjoying this arrangement of songs has given me a good insight into my state of mind during this period. As my mind was compelled to focus on these beautiful, touching lyrics, it’s my opinion that the reasoning was due to my sense of guilt revealing itself. As I was, and still am, deeply sorry and ashamed of my strange behaviours during the long postoperative recovery period. It must have been extremely difficult for my wife, Lisa, to constantly adjust to my see-sawing frame of mind. Without Lisa’s support, I truly don’t know if I could have coped.

Copyright 2008 Stuart McCallum. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.