The ultimate guide for couples who want to create their dream business together and live happily ever after as life and business partners.
Excerpt:
Chapter 5
Where Are The Lines?
“Honest communication is the key to creating a healthy boundary.” - Mark Sichel and Alicia L. Cervini
Successful Couplepreneurs set boundaries.
What are boundaries anyway?
Boundaries, in this context, are not about time and place, but rather what behaviors are acceptable to you and your partner. Personal issues will, inevitably, cross over, into your business; and business issues will creep into your home. How these issues are handled by you and your partner is what’s important. Emotions should not be allowed to negatively affect either your business or personal relationship.
When a couple is together both at home and in business, they can become confused about the roles they should play in each of these worlds. First, you must acknowledge that these two worlds are very different. The world of work is where we kick into high gear and drive ourselves to succeed. The world of home is where we seek comfort, love and safety – where we kick back. Granted, there are similarities between these two worlds: both require attention to details, teamwork and problem solving. The essential difference though, is that work is the world of competition, and home is the world of nurturing. Consistently respecting boundaries is critical to maintain a harmonious relationship with your partner in both worlds.
Why set boundaries?
One of the biggest pitfalls of being Couplepreneurs is that you may not be able to tell the difference between your bedroom and the boardroom. And I’m only half kidding. Work conflicts can spill over into your personal relationship, and personal conflicts can enter into the business relationship, and can be just as difficult to contain as an oil spill.
Successful Couplepreneurs establish firm rules regarding where and when talking about business is off-limits. This is vitally important in maintaining the “couple” relationship – as well as maintaining their sanity. However, insisting that all personal and business issues be kept separate is simply not realistic. To maintain healthy relationships in both realms, you must set boundaries that support each other, your relationship, and your business.
Setting boundaries
Without limits regarding bringing business conflicts into your personal relationship, your business can become toxic to your home life. Allowing personal issues to infect the business creates tension and undermines effectiveness. Boundaries can focus on the physical space – i.e. work disagreements are only handled in the office (even if it is a home office); personal issues, in the living space.
Paul and Layne Cutright, best-selling authors of You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think and co-owners of Enlightened Partners, Scottsdale, AZ have established a strict physical boundary to separate their home-based business life from their personal life. One of their rules is that the bedroom is off limits for any business discussion. Paul states, “The bedroom is reserved for peace, rest, and romance.”
Also, rules about time need to be established to accommodate each partner’s “prime times” – i.e. if your partner is a morning person, 11:00 p.m. may not be the best time to discuss anything, let alone a business conflict.
It is very important to establish specific business hours and, when they are over, business is not to be discussed. This is difficult to do, but is well worth the effort. Confine business discussions to business hours or, if you must, set aside time to discuss business before or after hours. For example, take the last half hour of the day, and discuss the business day: bring up suggestions, talk about what was accomplished, go over what needs to be done tomorrow, etc. If you need to extend the business day to do this, then do so.
Jean: In the beginning, this was a big problem for Tom and me. I am a morning person and require eight hours of sleep to function well. Tom only requires four hours of sleep. We were working long hours and not getting home until after nine some nights. Then Tom would want to discuss business until the wee hours. My brain turns to mush at ten. I just couldn’t concentrate and would resort to the “whatever” attitude. He would then accuse me of not caring about the business. (In his opinion, one of the worst sins in the world is not caring). I would defend myself. We would argue. We wouldn’t solve any business issues, and then, on top of it, we’d have some personal issues to resolve, too. We realized something had to change, so we set up a weekly meeting time, during business hours. Of course, issues inevitably arose that couldn’t wait that long, so we ultimately set up ‘business discussions only up until dinnertime” rule, which seemed to work.
What other Successful Couplepreneurs have done:
Pat and Rich Hartwell of The Hartwell Group in Doylestown, PA have handled the boundary issue by having a weekly meeting at five a.m. in their home. This is before the rest of the family arises, and thus, there are no distractions. They discuss only business issues, and they have an agreed-upon hand signal that either one can use to indicate they have had enough discussion.
Sherry and Austin are husband/wife accounting partners. Sherri says, “Austin liked to talk about work at home and I wanted to turn it off.” They now head for a local diner each morning, after dropping off their children at school. “We may talk about work, we may talk about kids, but we talk. For 30 minutes every day, we sit across from each other and have a civil, relaxing conversation,” she says.
What you can do:
You two need to decide together what behaviors are and are not acceptable and then hold your partner and yourself to these limits. It is both your responsibility to take care of your personal relationship and your business and to protect them when necessary. You need to show respect for your partner, your relationship and your business by behaving appropriately in each different situation. Setting boundaries saves you time and energy and eliminates conflict. Having well-defined boundaries gives you both more freedom and helps you relate to each other in business and at home.
Jean: I always felt Tom shared too much about our personal life with people at work. Not real secrets, but social plans, things I had said to him, family events, etc. I am a much more private person than he is. I didn’t like it when people would later repeat the information back to me. I would get embarrassed, insulted, and angry that he shared “our stuff”. I would complain to him. He didn’t get it. We argued. When I learned about requesting, instead of complaining, I firmly requested that he stop. And he did: He stopped sharing so much personal stuff. Instead, he started telling lame jokes. I don’t know which was worse.
One way to clearly separate your home life from the business is to acknowledge that at the end of a stressful workday you may need time to yourselves to decompress before interacting with each other again. If at all possible, you should build time after work to unwind (even if you work from home). Once you both feel relatively composed you can re-connect and enjoy each other’s company.
When boundaries are crossed
The success of both your business and your personal relationship are jeopardized when boundaries are crossed. When this occurs, immediate damage control is required. For example, if you have a problem with the way your partner is handling a business task discuss it as soon as possible. Do not wait. Do not let your frustration or displeasure grow into anger that is then transferred to your personal relationship.
Also, if you have a problem in your personal lives, don’t let it affect how you work together in the business. Focus on the business task at hand and not the personal issue. If the problem is interfering with business, resolve it as soon as possible. Don’t let resentment undermine your working effectiveness.
There is specific language you can use immediately when someone’s behavior crosses the line. You must address the infraction immediately, saying, “Do you realize that you just (name the behavior)? When anyone does this to me, I feel (name your feeling). I request that you stop. Will you do that?” If this does not work and they continue the behavior say, “I insist that you stop.” If that does not work, say, “I am leaving now” and remove yourself from the situation.
For example: “Do you realize that you just yelled at me? When anyone yells as me I get really angry. I request that you stop.”
This language may sound awkward to you initially, but it works. Often, just putting a name to the offender’s behavior makes them stop short. Also, most people are not used to receiving direct requests. The question about complying with the request is powerful because it almost demands a “yes” answer. Try this boundary protecting technique. Its effectiveness will surprise you.
Couplepreneur Coaching
Questions to answer in your Couplepreneur Journal:
1. Do business setbacks negatively affect your personal relationship?
2. Do you allow personal arguments to affect business operations?
3. Can you delay settling a personal argument with your partner until after business hours?
4. Do you show respect for your partner in business meetings, even if a personal conflict is unresolved?
5. Do you handle conflicts with your partner immediately or let them fester?
6. Do you know how your partner likes to be treated in business?
7. Do you know how your partner likes to be treated at home?
8. Do you ever complain about or embarrass your partner in business situations?
What do your answers reveal about the boundaries you have between your personal and business relationships?
+ Share your insights with your partner.
+ State the boundaries for both your personal and work relationships.
+ Create ground rules.
+ Decide how each of you wants the relationship to work in both situations.
+ Post the ground rules where each of you can see them regularly.
Keep business issues where they belong with the following suggestions:
+ Designate places in your home, like your bedroom, where business conversation is banned.
+ Identify where business discussion is most appropriate.
+ Do not continue business arguments over dinner.
+ Regularly schedule business meetings regularly to resolve business issues.
+ If an issue is not resolved in one session, plan another session rather than continuing discussion throughout the evening.
+ Don’t take unfair advantage of your partner’s vulnerabilities by using secret emotional weapons.
+ Treat your partner as you would any other business partner.
+ Take time away from the business – create a “no-business” date with your partner.
Setting boundaries is a way of protecting your integrity, as well as the integrity of your partner and family. In the next chapter you will learn the vital importance of agreeing on the impact your business is allowed to have on your family.
Copyright © 2008 Jean Charles. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.
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